Laying the Ground Work

13 Mar

It seems the time may be at hand – it might just be the right moment for me to come out and tell my friends ‘Hey guys, I just wanted to finally be open and honest and tell you all that I suffer from depression.’

Then again, maybe not. But if not now, when? Because now would seem an opportune moment considering how I behaved on the weekend – namely bailing on a planned night out that we’d all been looking forward to with a rather desperate and hurried text message detailing that I couldn’t come because I was ‘unhappy’ amongst other things before proceeding to turn my mobile off – which incidentally hasn’t been switched back on since (although I have talked to my best friend via email in the following days since this all unfolded on Saturday).

To be honest Saturday seems, felt, like a kind of nadir. I simply couldn’t, or rather refused to put myself in a situation that would’ve sent me deeper into a downward spiral. I thought about the alcohol I would drink and other factors and just thought that on top of what had already been a rough week mentally I couldn’t do it and for the first time I backed out – I didn’t handle it very well, in fact very poorly, but at the time I had to protect myself.

I finally have to admit/accept some of the limitations that depression has/will impose on me. I have to dial it back a bit, maybe more then I would like, for now – maybe for ever who knows? – but it’ll be worth it in the long run.

I’m sure my behaviour will have set alarm bells ringing, well I know it did and maybe it was more of a cry for help then anything else – something to lay the ground work for me to open up. All I know is that I don’t think I can, or rather I don’t think I want, to live a life where I have to hide and pretend. Depression is isolating enoughImage

It occurred to me that, whether or not I find the strength to tell my friends at this particular point or at some time in the future, maybe one of the things I could do would be to simply write about my experiences, actually really get down to the nitty gritty, open up about what it is like on a day to day basis. Maybe even read a few blogs from other bloggers and through that find some kind of release, or solace. So I guess that is what I’ll be doing from here on in.

It can’t hurt now can it?


6 Responses to “Laying the Ground Work”

  1. An Urban Mystic March 13, 2013 at 3:12 pm #

    I feel like writing is catharsis….i think it heals to….keep it going ..blessings! 🙂

  2. Amara March 13, 2013 at 5:36 pm #

    not to be negative, but I wouldn’t tell anyone. I have lost all the friends I have told it to; and they were my closest friends, too. Those who are left know nothing about it, and I’m surely not telling me, not even if they tickle me. I have written a post on my experience, if you are interested:

    • vincentnorwood March 13, 2013 at 8:12 pm #

      hey, just what I needed to hear haha. Seriously though, I’m still considering and weighing things up in my mind. I can more then imagine the conversations you describe in your post playing out in my life. (I’ve only ever told one person and that was, interesting ha.) Well actually I remember having the courage to go to a doctor and lets say it put me off the idea of ever talking again until very recently. I guess that will be something I’ll write about.

      Thanks for the read and the comment. Read a few of your blogs, I like your take on things.

      • Amara March 13, 2013 at 8:18 pm #

        Thanks – well actually, doctors were very understanding in my case. Although of course they basically want to give you pills, and I don’t want to take pills, so we have a bit of a difference here.
        Friends are understanding at first, but then they couldn’t be bothered.
        It is true that talking does help, but I wouldn’t select any close friend for that if I could start it all again, I would just tell a couple of “expendable” acquaintances, and space very well my “sad conversations”.

      • vincentnorwood March 14, 2013 at 1:58 pm #

        Yeah I’m not keen on pills either, that is not a route I want to go down. The term ‘Expendable’ acquaintances made me laugh, I just got a picture in my head of a catalogue where I can order a new one each time, that way they wouldn’t get ‘depression fatigue’ from listening to pretty much the same thing repeated every time I got low.

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