Debt….

25 Mar

I get letters like these very regularly and have done for years. In a previous post I gave a response to this question

I have been enjoying activities that I know carry a significant risk of causing me problems later (e.g., buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or unusual business investments).

I’ve been burnt by all those things, apart from business investments, I’m not a businessman, a gambler (very occasionally these days), but not a legitimate business man.

I’ve gone through various emotions to do with debt. There was the initial ‘fuck it, who cares’ when I was accruing the debt, then the flat denial stage of ‘what debt’ when companies started catching up with me and the letters and phone calls started and then the slow, dawning realisation of ‘shit, I’m in a pretty deep hole here’ quickly followed by ‘I just give up, not just on paying back my debt, I give up on LIFE GODDAMIT.’

Now I look at it with a sense of ‘wouldn’t it be nice to one day be debt free?’ I mean, it would be a nice accomplishment. It would make the future easier I guess, my credit rating is appalling, well, actually I wish it was appalling but it’s worse then that.

I’m glad that I decided to take control and start talking to the people I owe money to and start paying back, even if they are minuscule amounts and even though I still get letters that come through from companies demanding payment of a debt that I don’t even remember.

And I guess that’s the part that still brings me down about it. The person who did all this wasn’t me, not the real me. I can’t even begin to fathom how I managed to get in this state. Not since I just kind of woke up one day and started to take control. Now I recognise the triggers of when I’m most likely to do something stupid anddebtdebt 2 I’m better able to deal with it and to be fair I feel I’m over those ‘blackout’ days and phase.

Still, when I type in my reference numbers to make a payment I feel like those numbers are my identity, like a prisoner, trapped in a cage.

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