You Never Forget Your First Time

28 Mar

Steady on, I’m not talking about that first time;  I’m talking about the first time I went to the doctor about depression. And because of how it went I’ve never considered going back.

About two years ago I confided in my girlfriend that I had depression, the only person I’ve ever told. She never really knew how to deal with it but that’s for another time. She did insist on me going to see the doctor though. So I went online, put in all the things I’d been feeling and the things I’d been prone to do and it seemed that depression/bi polar was a good fit, albeit I was still confused as there is so much information out there.

From the off the doctor seemed pretty disinterested, seemingly only half-listening to what I was saying to her. Finally she looks up and says that it sounds like depression with bi polar tendencies. OK I’m thinking, so I guess here is where she will elaborate, explain things to me a bit more, give me some kind of useful information about where to go, who to talk to etc. anything really other then looking at me and saying

‘you have a girlfriend, you have a job, you’re at uni, why are you depressed?’

Huh? excuse me? I was stumped, because hey, in this day and age with all the knowledge we havetrust-me-im-a-doctor we all know that’s how it works right? Got a job? Got a girlfriend? nah you can’t be depressed. Was she joking, trying in her own way to say ‘hey, I know it’s rough but try and look at the positives’ ?

Nope because she then proceeded to write up a prescription for pills, told me to take them then come back and see her. She didn’t even take the time to explain the prescription to me.

Well I didn’t take the pills, to be honest yes I am against medication, pretty scared of going down that route but maybe if she’d taken the time to at least explain exactly what they were and how they would affect me I’d have been more inclined to do so.

A quick look at a few message boards shows there are many stories similar to my own.

 

And guess what, a couple years later I don’t have a girlfriend and I walked out on my job after a particularly bad episode.

BUT I’m still at uni and just over a month away from finishing and that’s pretty damn important to me right now. Turns out the rather sparse commitment to actually having to be in class works really well when you’re going through those ‘down’ phases. Even so you can still chart my attendance and grades according to the seemingly random mental ups and downs – ups bringing great attendance and 1sts and 2:1’s in my grades and downs bringing well, you know, the opposite.

 

Anyway, the point is that first times have a big impact and I have certainly never felt like repeating my trip to the doctor and even recently when I have thought that maybe I should, remembering how it felt puts me off.

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10 Responses to “You Never Forget Your First Time”

  1. Pinkjumpers March 28, 2013 at 1:50 pm #

    A really good post. 🙂

    I think that you probably did get an unfortunate choosing of doctor- by the sounds of it.

    Dealing with such problems myself and having come face to face with specialists etc, I understand the immense difference between a doctor who is good at dealing with their ‘depressed’ patients and those that quite frankly should have been turned around at the hospital door.

    If you think that you could benefit, even in the slightest, with help from a doctor, I think that you should definitely go. What’s the worst that could happen? 🙂

    • vincentnorwood March 28, 2013 at 2:08 pm #

      Hi, thanks for reading and yeah you are definitely correct, I know it is silly to use the one instance I mention here to cloud my judgement and stop me from getting help now. Going to see someone again is definitely something that I am slowly coming round to as it will be better for me in the long run if I address my problems properly. I also fully appreciate now that I’d have to be more assertive if I’m not satisfied with the way I am dealt with, whereas before I felt to weak/shy/whatever to stand up.

      • Pinkjumpers March 28, 2013 at 2:21 pm #

        That’s okay! But don’t feel silly.. one time I had a very bad experience on a waitressing induction for a Spanish restauraunt and I have never applied for waitressing job or eaten Spanish food since. >.<
        (A little different I know, but still!)

        I'm against medication too, or for myself at least.

      • vincentnorwood March 28, 2013 at 3:22 pm #

        I urge you to stop denying yourself Spanish food haha

  2. 1wanderingtruthseeker March 28, 2013 at 3:03 pm #

    I went to a lot of doctors and believe me, some of those doctors are crazier than me. My good doc., when I showed him some of the things I was called by other docs, he just smiled and told me that they didn’t like me.

    • vincentnorwood March 28, 2013 at 3:21 pm #

      Really? wow. The couple comments I’ve had so far have definitely made realise the need to persevere and keep going until you find someone worth your time. I can’t believe that though, it is just so backwards to what you need at that moment in time, especially because it takes long enough to pluck up the courage to go and talk to someone in the first place.

      • 1wanderingtruthseeker March 28, 2013 at 3:24 pm #

        I know all about your feeling afriad of seeing someone. Then I was known as the crazy person in my family. ( they are the crazy one’s too, they just don’t go to the doctor. My family tree is full of nuts. There are good doctors out there and I hope you find one.

      • vincentnorwood March 28, 2013 at 3:28 pm #

        cheers thank you

  3. Kendall F. Person, thepublicblogger April 2, 2013 at 9:52 am #

    I have been a part of the WordPress community for less than six weeks. In order for me to visit the largest diaspora of bloggers & writers as possible, at least a couple of times a week, i type in different key words and read as many post as time permits. Tonight, I have chosen bi-polar (why, because its me, although, I call it my elevator) and i am grateful that I have you. Your stories are so full of heart and intense challenges, and i feel like I have found a secret part of the playground where everyone understands everyone else. Cool. Vincentnorwood, I enjoyed reading your post so very much. i hope you are not put off by my following suggestion to your readers, . I keep the poem ‘If’ by Rudyard Kipling with me at all times. And when i remember to reach for it, my elevator halts its desceny, then makes its way back up again. Thanks for allowing me the use of your microphone.

    • vincentnorwood April 2, 2013 at 4:56 pm #

      Thank you for reading and the kind words. I’ve also only been on wordpress for a very short time and have found it helpful to get things out and to read other peoples’ posts. The elevator analogy is very apt, it is actually one I’ve never considered before but it fits perfectly. As for the poem ‘If’, it is one of my favourites.

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