Tag Archives: debt

The unsubtle knife

15 Jun

As always the challenge comes not when times are good, but in times of adversity and it is here that I hope I can take strength from the last year and a so of my life and remember that, when I am making a real, concerted effort life is better and indeed fun. When the next bout comes I believe/hope I’ll be able to deal with it.


Those are my words from the end of this post, where I talk about taking back control. In the last week and a half I have had my first, and what I knew would be inevitable, brush with adversity.

It started in the usual way insomuch as that I could feel myself slowly being sucked into the black hole. Alongside this I could also recognise the patterns of behaviour that accompany it – the sudden unreliability as I struggle to fulfil plans I made when I was feeling myself, the sudden disruption in the quality of sleep coupled with the lack of energy and appetite, plus leaning towards a drink or two for a quick mood fix and of course my old personal favourite, spending money for the same mood elevation reasons.

As I already knew these bumps in the road would appear I’ve almost been waiting for it, to see if I could force myself to react differently – to put in motion what I hoped would become a new norm in the way I deal with things.

Now I realise that above this I listed the things I found myself doing and it would appear that all has not gone well but in reality, I have certainly cut short the length of time I normally spend doing these things. I’ve twice forced myseIMG_0277lf to keep plans I made even though I really didn’t want to (I also failed a couple of times in this regard), as well as keeping myself active.

I mentioned previously how important exercise can be in keeping your mind healthy and so, alongside starting to run again I signed up with a friend to do my first 5k at the end of this month, as I believe goal setting is also an important part of keeping your mind ticking over.

The way I see it at the moment, I think this current episode will always be a benchmark I measure against in the future because in all honestly, this has been one of the worst, sudden onsets I can remember.

The picture I have used to accompany this blog is taken from ‘Life of Pi’. The character Pi is talking about fear and how it can take you over and conquer you but suffice to say, for me he could easily have been talking about depression.

I was on a train on Thursday to Charing Cross to meet a friend when it hit me – a feeling of complete despair – hopelessness like I haven’t felt in years. It cut right through me, it felt like I had too much weight on my shoulders to handle whilst my insides felt like they were sinking, being pulled down into nothingness. It felt like all my thoughts and words were coagulating – they became thick in my brain and impossible to vocalise or shift away from a feeling of dread.

Nonetheless I have persevered and forced myself to go for a run yesterday and even though I still feel devoid of energy (even after spending 14 hours in bed last night/today, which is exceptionally bad for me) I am still going to watch the football with my friend tonight.

Lets face it, I know what the alternative is, especially during an episode such as this. I must force myself not to react in the same way because that would be admitting defeat and being out with my best friend is the better choice.


You Couldn’t Make It Up

31 Mar

In recent times I’ve talked about mood swings, my lack of financial control at certain times and also how in recent years I’ve done quite well in handling it. I also admitted that the other day I had the strongest urge in a while for a spending spree and that whilst I’d have loved to be able to say I stayed strong regardless, I had no money to spend anyway.

Imagine my surprise then when I went to Croydon to buy an easter egg for my mum. I withdrew £10, checked my balance and lo and behold it says I have over 4k to spend.  hmmm this is strange I thought.

Went home, checked a few things, turns out I’ve been overpaid on my final student loan.

So I sat there and thought about what the old me would do – and I made sure I did the opposite.

The mistake won’t be rectified for a while but I handled the temptation better then ever. I actually thought about the consequences if I spent a lot of it. To be honest I could blow a lot on booze but seeing as I know where that road leads to it seems that my mindset really has changed for the better, which is great.

Anyway just thought it was funny that such an amount would find its way into my account after I’d been blogging about money. img0035


25 Mar

I get letters like these very regularly and have done for years. In a previous post I gave a response to this question

I have been enjoying activities that I know carry a significant risk of causing me problems later (e.g., buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or unusual business investments).

I’ve been burnt by all those things, apart from business investments, I’m not a businessman, a gambler (very occasionally these days), but not a legitimate business man.

I’ve gone through various emotions to do with debt. There was the initial ‘fuck it, who cares’ when I was accruing the debt, then the flat denial stage of ‘what debt’ when companies started catching up with me and the letters and phone calls started and then the slow, dawning realisation of ‘shit, I’m in a pretty deep hole here’ quickly followed by ‘I just give up, not just on paying back my debt, I give up on LIFE GODDAMIT.’

Now I look at it with a sense of ‘wouldn’t it be nice to one day be debt free?’ I mean, it would be a nice accomplishment. It would make the future easier I guess, my credit rating is appalling, well, actually I wish it was appalling but it’s worse then that.

I’m glad that I decided to take control and start talking to the people I owe money to and start paying back, even if they are minuscule amounts and even though I still get letters that come through from companies demanding payment of a debt that I don’t even remember.

And I guess that’s the part that still brings me down about it. The person who did all this wasn’t me, not the real me. I can’t even begin to fathom how I managed to get in this state. Not since I just kind of woke up one day and started to take control. Now I recognise the triggers of when I’m most likely to do something stupid anddebtdebt 2 I’m better able to deal with it and to be fair I feel I’m over those ‘blackout’ days and phase.

Still, when I type in my reference numbers to make a payment I feel like those numbers are my identity, like a prisoner, trapped in a cage.