Tag Archives: judas

Your own personal Judas, fear of silence and lack of sleep.

4 Apr

I am going to preface this post with the news that life is pretty good at the moment, the mood swings have levelled out and I’m in a pretty good place, which is helping in what is now the short sprint to the finish line of university. The only thing that hasn’t returned yet is a good nights sleep but that will soon ease its way back in I am sure.

On the subject of sleep, I thought I’d write a little about the fraught relationship I have with it and how these problems are underpinned by the mental issues I’ve discussed previously.

When I am in a bad moment, or episode, or whatever you want to call it, one of the first things to go is adequate sleep.

When your mind disconcertingly decides to play Judas and betray you, it is almost like you are under attack and what do people do when they are under attack? They seek refuge. I seek refuge in anything that keeps my brain occupied; books, writing, TV, films, computer games. At least the list is longer then the old list; Alcohol.

Now I enjoy all of those things anyway but I throw myself at them even more because of the fear of silence. Silence is where my low-self esteem, negative thoughts about life and many other silly things manifest itself in the shape of a constant inner dialogue full of self loathing and pessimism. Some of the thoughts that can enter your mind are just damn right distressing. So yes you take refuge in never being alone with your own mind and most nights I will finally pass out book in hand and get a few shoddy hours of sleep.

Soon the haze of tiredness clouds your view, like a particularly useless Instagram filter, adding to your general discontent.

The funny thing is, I really enjoy silence and taking the time to be alone with my thoughts, to think, when I am in a normal state of mind that is.

But, as I said, I am in a good place at the moment and I am sure sleep will return soon as my mind returns to a peaceful state.