Tag Archives: University

Next week I graduate/my fear of the next step

11 Jul

First of all, I’m going to make an effort to start updating this blog more regularly, or at least as regularly as I was when I started it. If nothing else, as I’ve said before keeping a blog is quite a good outlet to just get stuff off your chest.

So yes, this time next Thursday I will officially have graduated. I ended up with a 2:1 in the end and whilst I’ve written before that I hadn’t felt a sense of accomplishment from finishing my degree, I certainly feel more positive about it now.

My last post spoke about dealing with a rough patch but in all honesty I handled it better then I have done in recent times and at the moment I’m in a good place mentally – somewhat surprisingly I guess considering there are a fair few issues going on in my life at the moment. It is these issues that have drawn me back to this blog and what will keep me here as I go through them in the next few days.

At the moment one of my main concerns is crossing the threshold from the world of education into the world of work. Over the last few weeks I have identified a career path I would like to go down. It involves the skills I have as a writer and would be a good job to have whilst I continue working on my creative work alongside that. I have everything in place to start looking for entry level positions in this field but there is one fear that is holding me back.

Unsurprisingly the fear I have is depression. I’m worried about the effect a bout of depression would have on me were I to be in employment. I worry about coping in that situation. I also constantly debate with myself if it is something I should disclose from the outset. I still view it as being weak to admit it openly and besides that, I worry about being stigmatised and my opportunities being limited if I were to disclose it.

It is something I have thought about a lot and yet am no closer to an answer.

 

If you happen to read this and feel you have any advice, please feel free to leave me a comment. fear-of-failure

Haven’t done this in a while….

9 May

I finished my degree last week – well I handed everything in anyway. So that’s that, three years done and dusted.

 

Feel pretty spent after the last few weeks of making sure everything was ready. The main thought on my mind since is how much I would love to just get away and relax. Get away and forget everything. That would be cool.

Of course when I say everything I really mean depression. It really wasn’t that very long ago that I started this blog and all because certain things were coming into sharp focus, like being 27 and having unsuccessfully coped with depression for nigh on ten years and not wanting to be 37 and still be in the same boat.

I still haven’t made any proper steps to remedy the situation which of course is nobodies fault but my own and that plus finishing uni has mixed together and it’s feeling rather claustrophobic in my head at the moment.

I guess it just annoyed me that I felt no accomplishment at all from finishing uni, I thought I’d feel something but instead it was just a feeling of ‘I don’t deserve to feel happy’ type feeling.

I think the weirdest thing is that I don’t feel unduly depressed – I’m certainly not in the black hole I was when I started this blog. It’s just a rather surreal feeling of ‘well, what did I expect, this is your life now’ which I know is depressing enough.

Well, to end on a positive – yes I know finishing uni is definitely a positive, but to add another one I’ve given myself till Monday to completely switch off from writing (professional writing I mean) at which point it will be back to the screenplays and working on my novel. That would have made it a complete week off, something I can’t remember doing since I decided I wanted to be a writer.

I’ve actually gone out a couple of times as well since I handed in my work. I’veblog tried to be more sociable and see my friends again and it was pretty cool to see they genuinely seemed pleased to see me out.

And it’s my best mates birthday night out tomorrow so something good to look forward to there as well.

Council Estates, Ex Girlfriends, love and Uni

17 Apr

I try to keep my posts focused on one thing at a time but on this occasion there are a few things on my mind.

I’ll start by saying that today was a lovely day here in South London; it was sunny and warm. You often hear how the weather can affect your mood and I always forget just how true this is until those first proper sunny days appear and you really do feel better about things. It just puts a nice tint on your emotions; even those things that are making you feel rather melancholy can be diluted down in their effect by filtering them through the happier disposition the sunshine can give you.

I was travelling on the train today, going through Norwood Junction, Crystal Palace, West Norwood, Gypsy Hill etc on the way to Balham.  I grew up in these areas, specifically a council estate in West Norwood; as I looked out of my window at my old stomping grounds I felt this pain deep within me, this void that I feel and know could never be filled. I was thinking about the council estate I grew up on and how I wished I could go back; experience it again as I was when I was younger, when things were so much more simple. My mind was sound, I had a happiness that I doubt I’ll ever recapture, a boundless enthusiasm for life I feel I’ll never rekindle. I rarely get such thoughts but today it was an urge that was – I don’t know – I’ve wracked my mind and the only word that comes close to describing it is an existential urge; probably because I know I can never go back in time but that somehow, some way I hope that I can experience those emotions again.

These days my happiness and forward thinking is filtered through the mechanism of simply coping; coping with depression, coping with bi polar, coping with a life tinged and tainted with an unremitting sense of ‘this wasn’t how it used to be, it used to be more fun but at least right now I’m doing OK because I know how to cope.’

As for uni, one of the other parts of this headline, I’m in the last two and a half weeks of my degree, which just seems strange. Three years gone but it feels simultaneously much longer but also that it has passed in the blink of an eye. Time is a strange concept. One thing that made me smile recently was that as part of my dissertation I obviously had to do an essay. I chose to look at Sherlock Holmes and why his popularity has endured through the years and unbeknownst to me there was a Sherlock Holmes story set in Norwoodwest-norwood1 called The adventure of the Norwood builder. After doing some research I found out that part of the story was in fact set in West Norwood, very close to where I grew up. Conan Doyle actually lived in South Norwood, again close to my local area.

Another point about Uni was that when I started I was going out with my most recent girlfriend. Tonight I met her for a couple of drinks; we still meet up quite often. She told me yesterday that she had split up with her current boyfriend (I briefly mentioned her in my last blog post). As much as I do not think we could work out (we were on and off for three years) I can never escape the fact that she was the one woman that I truly, deeply loved. I know she feels the same way because she says so but again love is a strange concept. Not complicated, just very…. strange is not the right word but I’m running out of steam now so strange will have to do.